Creating Healthy Boundaries
- katiemills669
- Mar 6
- 4 min read
This month we focus on Personal Boundaries, which were recognised as a significant factor in our last topic - “Stuck in a Cycle of ‘People Pleasing".
Boundary setting is very much a personal issue. For some, the need to actively consider and set personal boundaries may not be particularly helpful. Boundaries may feature in their life and relationships without needing to be explicitly acknowledged. However, for others it may be necessary to take steps to actively introduce boundaries for health and wellbeing.
If you're experiencing regular and ongoing feelings of stress, resentment, frustration, discomfort or your life feeling unbalanced, setting some boundaries in your relationships and habits is a good way to start making some poaitive change.
The subject of boundaries is represented in a vast array of journals, books, podcasts and workshops. As Lily Scherlis (1) comments, boundaries are increasingly seen as the ‘hallmark of emotional maturity.’ If you get them right and learn to say “no”, there may be an expectation that 'life will now be less rocky'.
Of course, it’s not that easy. Boundaries alone will not ease our worries, strengthen our resolve and make us ‘better human beings’. As a result, the concept of, and the attention given to boundary setting has gained its fair share of sceptics.However, being aware of personal boundaries, both our own and that of others, is a significant component of healthy living. Research indicates that the combination of clear boundaries and lifestyle behaviours, such as good sleep, nutrition and exercise, enhances our overall wellbeing. (2)
Let’s consider the benefits of having clear boundaries - including the impact they have in our life, how we establish our own boundaries and how we maintain them.
1) The Benefits of Setting Boundaries:
They help define who you are, what’s important to you, and differentiate you
from others.
They represent the limits that you set to define acceptable behaviour, both towards you and from you. In doing so, they promote mutual respect and understanding.
They strengthen relationships by reducing conflicts and misunderstandings.
They contribute to preventing burnout and emotional distress.
2) Setting Personalised Boundaries:
There’s no right or wrong in terms of where your boundaries sit and only you are best placed to decide what your boundaries are.
Think of them like a fence, keeping out what you don't want or need and protecting what you value.
You may be clear about the boundaries you wish to set. Alternatively, you may be aware of the need for change but not sure how to start.
Taking time to determine your limits when interacting with others can help. This involves considering what you will accept and what doesn’t work for you.
A good place to start is to establish your values, what is important to you in how you want to live your life, taking account of the different aspects of you, such as physical, spiritual, intellectual and emotional.
Reflecting on past situations that caused you to experience negative feelings can also be helpful, allowing you to identify a boundary that reduces the chance of a repeat experience.
Consider whether there are specific issues you want to focus on or things you wish to accomplish with boundaries – for example, more time to yourself or to ensure mutual respect features in your relationships.
You can set boundaries to help prioritise essential areas of your life, for example, your family life may be your priority and you want your boundaries to reflect this.
Consider that some relationships may require specific boundaries, because connection with different people may require different boundaries. For example, boundaries with your best friend are likely to be different than those with work colleagues. Some relationships will require stricter boundaries than others, depending on the level of respect and intimacy present.
Once you’re clear about what you want and need, it’s easier to implement change and avoid unwanted situations.
Sharing your boundaries can initially be difficult and potentially anxiety inducing. If so, before explaining to another person, it may be helpful to put in writing how you will verbalise what you need. Additionally, practice saying this out loud, finding your own words and using language you feel comfortable with.
If another person is not happy with your boundary, that’s not a cue for you to change it, but to ensure its maintained.
As the author J.S. Wolfe once said – those who get angry when you set boundaries are the ones you need to set Boundaries for.
3) Maintaining Your Boundaries:
Once you’ve explored and identified your boundaries,it’s important to ensure they’re maintained. The 4 stages of CARF can act as a prompt to manage this -
Clarity:
Clearly articulate your boundaries, both at the outset and ongoing, as and when you feel it necessary to remined others.
Assertiveness:
The more you practice and implement being assertive the easier it becomes.Starting with small steps and practicing what you want to say before sharing can increase confidence to be assertive and support your mesage being heard.
Respectful:
Be considerate of both your needs and others' feelings, recognising that they may have boundaries of their own.
Flexible:
Your circumstances and/or your needs may change over time. For example, you may gain a new perspective on certain relationships, or your work/home life encounters significant change that has an impact on you. Being able to adapt to these and adjust your boundaries accordingly will help to ensure that behaviours can align with your needs at any given time.
References -
(1) Lily Scherlis. Healthy Boundaries.The Guardian,2023.
(2) Helen Puut & Jaap Wonders. Front Psychol.2020
Comments